Identity Crisis

For months now there has been this waging war inside my head. Well, if we’re going to be honest, it’s been more like years. Thoughts of inadequacy flood my mind constantly. I hear words that seem to be at a volume screaming at me with a max intensity. “You are not worthy.” “You are not, nor will you ever be enough.” “You’re too broken.” And those are just a few. They are so loud sometimes that I often look around convinced others can hear them too. These phrases run through my head at warped speed and all of it swirls around the understanding of me being void of something.

To an extent, it’s true. I am void of something. I’m void of the understanding of who I truly am in Christ. I’ve allowed Satan to completely skew my idea of who the Lord created and I’ve focused on and believed the lies he’s fed me. Daily I struggle with this. Thankfully, I have a friend who constantly encourages me to battle those lies as opposed to being defeated in them. Boy am I grateful for that. You see, when we become defeated in them, we are agreeing to the thought of Satan being victorious eliminating the need for Christ to set us free. WRONG!

The only way to succeed in this world is to remember that God is “I AM.” He is everything we are not. Any void that I may have should be filled with Him. It is then and only then that I can begin to walk into the full calling He has for my life. I’ve been so focused on the lies that the truths seemed to have escaped my mind. Why is it so much easier to get stuck on the negative?

I found this quote while I was going through my World Race journals and it seemed fitting. “The more we embrace truths from Scripture about who we are in Christ, the more stable, grateful, and fully assured we will be in this broken world.”

If that doesn’t make you say AMEN…

The world is full of brokenness. There are broken people everywhere. I am broken. But, I have a Savior who took my place on a dark, dark day so that I could have life everlasting. My wounds have been healed and my sins forgiven. As hard as it is sometimes to believe those truths especially knowing my life behind the scenes, I think it’s even harder to know that when I look down on myself, I’m looking down on all that the Lord has done.

It's so important to walk tall knowing that He has made you in His own image out of nothing but dust. If He can make beautiful things out of dust, He can make beautiful things out of brokenness and the things which appear “void” in our lives. He is everything. He is I AM.

Wyatt

Wyatt was in his late eighties when I stumbled across his path yesterday. Our team had ministry at a Senior Citizens center in Gainesville, Georgia for a few hours where some of the girls led finger-painting, some music. I looked around for a bit to make sure they had all gotten plugged in somewhere and there he was. Just staring from his rocking chair.

I headed in his direction and began to greet him by extending my hand as we exchanged names. He told me his was Wyatt and little did I know he would tell me this several times throughout our conversation due to the Alzheimer's he's been battling. He smiled and told me to grab a chair because we had a lot to talk about. It seemed like we had talked about everything; his family, growing up in church, both of our travels, his time in the army, his past job at a dry cleaner, and of course the "scandals" of the old folks home as he would call it. I laughed as he told me about Arthur stealing extra bread while the staff wasn't looking at meal times, Joyce being a loud mouth, and Martin's secret ability to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. I'm afraid Martin's secret was out early when his book fell out of his hands within five minutes of picking it up.

Wyatt's stories were great but I found myself challenged throughout our conversation. It was hard to hear the familiar phrases leave his mouth because he had forgotten we had talked about the topic only fifteen minutes earlier. It was equally hard to tell him about myself a few times as well.

After an hour and a half had gone by, I began to pray for God to keep me alert. I needed patience and energy. The repetitiveness of hearing the stories over and over got hard. Then it hit me.

How many times does God tell us something only to repeat it not long after we heard it the first time? How much patience does He extend to me every day? As far as I know, my brain is functioning correctly yet I seem to "forget" the lessons the Lord has walked me through. The cool thing about God is that every day He reminds me of the love He has for me. It doesn't matter that I've walked through that with Him a hundred times already. He's patient enough and cares enough to share it one more time just so that I can grasp it.

As we got ready to leave I said goodbye to Wyatt. He thanked me for spending time with him and asked me to come back next week. Instead of being frustrated that we had already covered why I couldn't return then, I simply smiled and said, "Wyatt, I'm sure we'll meet again." He grabbed my hand and said, "I sure hope so."

Now, I may never see Wyatt again. He may not even remember me after that day. I do know that for a short period he was reminded that he was loved and worth the time of at least a conversation. What if we treated every conversation with that being the purpose?

Just Answer the Door

Have you ever met someone who is gifted at turning a challenging day into a day that exceeds all expectations? Someone who drops what they’re doing in order to pour into you. The kind of person who looks at you and says, “you CAN do this.” A person who encourages you to see the world because they want you to experience all of the things they have. A person who wants to see you grow in who you are as a child of God. A person who loves well because it’s an overflow of Christ’s love in their own life.

I spent the past week in Gainesville, Georgia experiencing all of those things. I showed up with a cry for help and without even knowing what they were doing, I was poured into by some amazing people. The last three months were very hard for me. I felt like I had lost my purpose maybe even my identity. I was no longer a Racer or a world traveler. I didn’t spend hours praying over people or listening to stories of women who were concerned about whether they’ve passed HIV on to their child. I wasn’t asked to take care of babies, prepare sermons, or teach anymore. I now woke up miserably lost and confused. I couldn’t find the confidence and boldness that I grew in on the Race. Life was just, well boring to be honest.

I was more focused on the community that I craved but couldn’t find. I wanted so badly to be back on the race with my newfound family. I talked to a friend about this and after several questions to better understand the situation he told me to go deeper with the Lord and pray harder to find what love means. To understand the love talked about in 1 Corinthians 13. He suggested I apply it to my team and also my family. Most importantly, I needed to relate it to how Jesus loves me. So, for the last week that’s what I’ve done. And it has been a beautiful thing. I’ve been able to pour into other people because of the new way I am being filled up. Because someone took the time to reflect Jesus, I can now do the same for my team and those around me. I challenge you to do that. Listen for the people knocking for help. Don’t become so focused on what you are lacking that you don’t hear the cry of the people around you. Be the person who changes environments and loves well. The world needs more people like that.

Back to Georgia

Two days ago, I returned to the Adventures in Missions (AIM) office in Gainesville, Georgia. The last time I drove into the AIM parking lot was for a squad “reunion.” The World Race was hard, but for me coming off the field was harder. To be reunited with those people who understood that first hand was a great feeling.

Two days ago, I returned. This time it was for leadership training for my trip to Thailand with the Passport (college aged) program. Pulling into that familiar parking lot I felt both excited and nervous. Thoughts of “Am I cut out for leadership,” “Will my team like me,” “Am I going to help them grow” filled my head. They were all selfish questions really. All of them involved me and my abilities…nowhere in the equation did I have the brains of the operation. I learned over the last year that God is “I AM.” In all the ways that I am not, HE IS. He made me the way He did. He knows my shortcomings and He knows where I will fail. It would be foolish to think that I’ll never fail.

Yesterday, we had some free time to spend with the Lord before we started training for the day. I've had three months’ worth of “stuff” to deal with and hand over to the Lord. I made quite a lengthy list of the things I could think of that were preventing me the intimacy I've craved for months with my Father. A weight was instantly lifted off of my shoulders. We forget a lot of times that we aren't supposed to carry burdens, and once we release those we are like new people.

One of our sessions yesterday covered boundaries, loads, and burdens. I laughed because I knew this was something the Lord had been trying to teach me for months now. Sorry to the two people who tried to make me see this all summer. I can’t run anymore. I won’t run anymore. One of the things that hit me the most this week was this quote, “We often carry our futures as if it’s our responsibility not His…I don’t need to know. I need to obey.” It’s really that simple. I get so caught up in worrying and the “what if’s” that I forget God already has my life plan. Everything is already mapped out. He’s not going to keep that plan from me. He wants me to have it. But He wants me to seek Him in everything I do so He can lead me to it.

I opened to my devotions and read Matthew 6:25-34. Fitting I’d say. After I read it a few times and meditated on it, the Lord said so sweetly to me, “Your Heavenly Father knows what you need.” When you come across something over and over and try to dismiss it as coincidence, reevaluate and see what it is He’s trying to teach you. There’s a lesson in there somewhere. Don’t wait months before you embrace it.

Above the Waves

How many times have you dipped your toes in the water along the shoreline of the ocean and watched the tide come and go? You can almost taste the salt water in the air and feel that familiar breeze so normal for beach days. The sun shining down giving your skin that natural glow and the aroma of the coconut sunscreen you lathered onto your skin. The perfect weather for a day at the beach.

What about those days that aren’t so perfect? The ones where the forecasters encourage you to stay indoors; the lightning is simply too dangerous. Or what about when the rip currents are so strong swimming becomes a risk not worth taking. It’s hurricane season, the storms are brewing, and the waves are reaching far above 15 feet…now what?

Life can oftentimes be described as one of these scenarios. Some days the sun shines while other days it’s a struggle to keep your head above water. What happens when the waves appear to be overtaking you? Your eyes have wandered and you are lost in the storm…

When our focus is taken off the Lord, we become easily distracted, discouraged and soon doubt what our Creator, God of the Universe, is capable of.

While Jesus and his disciples were crossing the Sea of Galilee, a storm came upon them and tossed their boat around. Jesus was asleep and the disciples panicked. They took their eyes off of the Lord and focused them on the storm around them. They were distracted. They begged Jesus to save them. “We are perishing,” they said. They are now also discouraged. Being distracted and discouraged leads to doubting who God is and whether He cares.

Need another example? Look at the story of Mary and Martha. Martha became too consumed with a works mentality that she was distracted with serving instead of sitting in the presence of God. “Don’t you care?” She became discouraged and soon doubted God’s love for her.

I am so quick to look at the chaos constantly surrounding me as opposed to shifting the direction of my eyes to be focused on the Lord. Something so simple could save so much worry. Why is it so hard for us to release control to God? How much better would our lives be if we just sat with our fists unclenched, letting go of all the distractions?

The Lord has been taking me on an incredible journey of finding intimacy with Him. I’m working on relinquishing all of the things I feel entitled to be in charge of in my life. Is it really my life after all? How much better will it be if I just give over control in all areas? He’s proven His loyalty. He’s proven His trustworthiness. He has taught me to dream big and love well. He has given me a heart for His people. He has called me to serve anyone and everyone I meet. He told me to go to the nations and build community. He has asked me to fix my eyes on Him and keep my head above the waves.

Follow me on this journey of learning how to enjoy my Heavenly Father while fulfilling his purpose for my life.